Today I hope to wrap up my Bully, Bullied and Bystander thoughts by exploring the bystanders; those that stood by while the bullying happened; some intervened, some consoled and some aided the bullies by doing nothing.
In early elementary school, Kota mostly had confused teachers. They weren't quite sure what to do with this child that the textbooks didn't address. I was told he was cognitively limited, he had anger issues and that he may grow up and be a serial killer (I wish I was teasing.) Kota is brilliant (132 IQ), gentle and can't harm anything. He was frustrated and had meltdowns sometimes when he couldn't speak his angst but he is gentle. No one outside our home, stepped up to be his ally until second grade. This teacher was the first person outside our home that met Kota right where he was and loved him for who he was - not who he should or could be. She gave me a picture of what it would take to help this little guy prosper. Thank you Monica Sixlkiller.
Also at school was Kota's brother, Dylan. Dylan may have been the first to fight with his brother at home, they were siblings after all, but there were too many times someone ended up having a "talk" with Dylan Mowdy after picking on Kota. In the incident were the boy videoed Kota in the restroom, it was Dylan who stayed awake all night, texting, calling and hunting until he discovered who it was, why he did it and who put him up to it. We kept Dylan home from school the next day to allow the school to properly handle the discipline rather than Dylan. Kota stayed home too, in shame. For two boys that couldn't be more different, they have always protected each other from the world.
Many bystanders look away or worse yet, stand there helplessly because they don't know what to do and are afraid if they do the wrong thing they will make the situation worse. The more the bullying continues, decision fatigue for bystanders sets in. Weighing the pros and cons of what to do can paralyze someone that really wants to help. Statistics show, the longer you watch oppression and be part of the problem by doing nothing, the more conditioned you become to accepting that very oppression as common place, you develop an empathy callous. You will eventually no longer feel for the oppressed.
In reading many of the comments following Part One and Part Two of this series, I find that most of readers are outraged about a poor autistic boy as sweet faced as Dakota Mowdy being bullied. It hurts many of the commentors hearts. It broke mine. But please know, if you haven't figured it out, I am using Kota's story as parable to show you the injustice of oppression of anyone for any reason in anyway. While Kota's story is absolutely true, it is as true and honest as the oppression African Americans and other people of color have experienced in our country at the hands of the powerful that choose to not accept their differences, hold them back/down and treat them with inequality. You may not be the person that has spent years gaslighting or throwing around racial slurs. You may feel as though you are "colorblind." You probably have a black friend or a Native American friend or you love to hire the illegals to help them out. But if you are not doing anything to change the way America is structure for these people, then you are a bystander. Bystanders can continue harm by either omission or commission; omission - not doing anything or commission - by joining in.
You can, however, be the bystander that helps, an ally. Black people, have been crying out for allies and that outcry has increased, lately. But how to be an effective ally. Start by listening and not defending anyone's actions. Call out injustice in your world. Teachers - stop defending mean and cruel co-workers with your silence. Children deserve better. I know there are more wonderful teachers than bad educators, but when one bad teacher makes the news for abuse of student, there are cries throughout the land for the defunding of the broken education system. You are painted with the broad brush of brokenness. Laws enforcement - hold your brothers in blue accountable for their actions. If your partner is holding someone down on their neck and they are crying out and you suggest turning them over and your partner refuses, rise up. Stop the injustice for the moment. Take a breath give that man a breath. It shouldn't take 18 excessive force charges on one officer before someone stands up and says, this person might not be cut out for police work. One officer's racial corruption spoils the whole bunch. Standing by and doing nothing makes you part of the problem.
The Beatitudes
3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
We are in the South. We are nice, kind and courteous people. Please know, being kind is not enough. Many people were kind to Kota, all the while standing by as he was tortured for over 12 of the most formative years of his life. The people that made an everlasting change were the people that put themselves in harms way to save one child. Radical change is needed and it will require us to truly take the time to hear the real hurt, like has happened in reading these blog posts about Kota. It will take people learning from these experiences and stepping into other moments like them. Learning is not as easy as reading and coloring a cute doodle. It requires effort and commitment. Understanding and a willingness to risk your heart and mind to change. Or you can rest comfortably in your self-preservation. God demands justice. Christ died for yours. The grace you have received requires your action. Where are you standing?
Today
- Work through your bias
- Listen to someone that has been oppressed, really listen
- Ask yourself where you stand
- Then stand up
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