As I study, scripture points out the following in the book of Psalms (Yes, I am still reading the book of Psalms, it is long!) Psalm 41 teaches, "Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in times of trouble." I went out and thanked Joe. He said something about hating to see me being robbed of a good workout when I was trying so hard to be healthy. Another Psalm rang in my ears, "Defend the weak, uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed.
WARNING: THIS BLOG POST HANDLES TOUGH SUBJECTS THAT COULD REMIND YOU OF A TIME YOU WISH TO FORGET
It never pays to be different in an elementary classroom. By his first year in middle school the teasing had turned to bullying. A young boy in his class would bump into him and knock him down, push him in the hall, trip him as he walked down the aisle, you get the picture. Kota would tell us. Sadly, we told him to ignore him and avoid him. Avoidance only encouraged the boy to aggressively pursue Kota. Kota was very small and we were in the midst of obtaining his diagnosis of autism, so the newness of changing classes and switching books and getting to class in five minutes was impossible, especially with being knocked down a time or two. He would tell us, we would call the school, they would shrug it off as Kota being sensitive and the young man was just playing. Boys will be boys. The boy would knock off all off Kota's books he would carry from class to class so he could be on time. And he would "accidentally" kick them across the room. Kota would have a meltdown and that would bring on punishments from the school. This went on until almost Christmas break...until...one day. Apparently the boy was assigned to sit across from Kota in the lunch room and would say horrible things to Kota all through lunch and make him cry (cue more teasing and judgement.) He was so tortured he couldn't even tell us what the boy said, just that he was mean. Until...an elderly, cafeteria worker overheard and after Kota ran from the cafeteria she went to the office, finding Kota, being punished and interrupted, clearly upsetting the principal. She was brave. The principal tried to stop her but the worker persisted. She explained that she overheard the boy tell my son that he would ride home with him on the bus and pull a gun on him when he got off and shoot him, one day. And if he told, he would shoot his whole family. We lived in the same neighborhood. Everything unraveled then, everything changed, sort of. We started driving Kota to and from school, and the boy was moved to another classroom, after a 2 week at home suspension. We tried to make contact with his parents to work on peace. We were told that this boy had access to guns and that wasn't changing. We moved.
But that lady. That brave lady that worked in the cafeteria. She told the principal, who told me, that she knew what it was like. She had spent her whole life as black woman living in the south, living life in servitude for others. She knew what it was like to be threatened, mocked and the plight of being ignored and losing your voice. She said she never stood up for anyone but this time she had too. She will forever be in my debt.
During that time we read a book (we read lots of books trying to understand and learn) called The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. What we learned: Bullying is conscious, willful, and deliberate and intended to keep someone small and afraid. The bully arises when there is: an imbalance of power, has an intent to harm, uses the threat of further aggression, and the bullied feels terror. Children who are bullied spend a lot of time thinking of ways to avoid the trauma and have little energy left for anything else. The bullied are afraid to tell, either, as in Kota's case, for fear of retaliation or to further his role as a target.
So many of you have never been a bully, I am sure. I pray you have never been bullied. But there is a third role in this equation, the bystander. "A deadly combination is a bully who gets what he wants from his target, a bullied person afraid to tell and a bystander that watches, or worse yet turns away and does nothing. The bystander is the one person that CAN do SOMETHING. Bullies are receiving a currency they want so they will not and often can not find a way to stop bullying. Over time the bullied loses their voice, they cannot find the words to speak. Sadly, many bullied people end up feeling so upset they have meltdowns. Kota's meltdowns were born of painful, out of control, frustration that often included throwing things, breaking things, being inconsolable. He couldn't find his words because his words had been stolen from him for so long, even if he could he wouldn't have been able to speak because no one has been listening. It is no wonder he lashed out. He never wanted to destroy property or run away or scream or cry. He had nothing left to give but that.
Where was the bystanders all those years? Why didn't we believe our child when he told us what was happening. We believed him but had no idea it was that bad. Why? For one reason we couldn't believe people would treat someone that badly and we trusted those in charge to make good decision for our child. Surely that would know if it was bad enough to do something, right? It wasn't until two years later when the cycle was repeated for our boy, but this time it was a teacher. It took three years for her to be "outed" by bystanders, other teachers and students, and she was eventually fired from teaching in the State of Tennessee. She had him in class for three years; three years of pain, and torture until his and our voices were heard This time we listened but we still trusted the school system to believe the evidence and make the right decisions. There was plenty of witness and good bystanders helping, but the administration in the building acted indifferent and covered for the teacher, their friend.
Friends, I am so sorry if this blog has triggered feelings of terror in you from a past that you have left behind (or worse yet, still dealing with.) But let me put this as plainly as I can right now. Everyone is either a bully, is bullied or a bystander. Some of you may have different roles in different areas of your life. But right now, in our world, we have a problem where many people have been oppressed, traumatized, held back, tortured...bullied. Not everyone is a bully. Not all of those in charge or tasked with keeping the order are bullies. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the large majority of politicians, police, teachers, leaders and people like you are NOT bullies; are not harming others overtly. But, if you are serving the role of an inactive bystander, you are causing harm. by allowing it to continue. It is not enough to be kind, or nice. If you only knew how many teachers were nice to Kota but they brought no safety to his world. Which line do you walk? Doing nothing is not enough. All lives can only matter when all lives matter as much as your life matters.
 |
| Me and my boy. |
- Learn, read, listen
- Point out injustice when you see it to someone who can change it. Or change it yourself.
- Put yourself in a position to change injustice - God calls us to that work
- Meditate on what Jesus said, recorded by Matthew 25:40 "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these my brothers and sisters you did for me."
Comments
Post a Comment